You live in Arizona when.....
- You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
- You can open your car without touching the door and you can drive your car without touching the steering wheel.
- You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
- You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
- "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
- You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
- You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
- The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
- You know that "dry heat" is actually comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You Live in California when...
- You make over $250,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
- The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cellphone.
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You live in New York City when...
- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire StateBuilding.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is "nature."
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've worn out a car horn.
- You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
- You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for moose.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
- After twenty years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, areYa?"
- "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
- Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You live in Colorado (or Washington State) when...
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
- Morning cannot start until you've had your Mint Mocha Frappaccino Grande at Starbucks.
You live in the Midwest when...
- You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day and backagain.
- You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
You live in Florida when...
- You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist, cardiologist, proctologist, and/or ophthalmologist, and learn that English is not their primary language.
- Road construction never ends, anywhere in the state.
- Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
- The bumper sticker of a car driven by a teenager says "When I get old, I'm going to move North and drive slow..."
I thought these were pretty funny, no offense intended.